Hetalia in MarySueLand
by KolKolKol
Summary: The cast of Hetalia gets trapped in Mary-Sue-Land! Basically my drabbles, slightly explaining Mary Sues, and random characters having to put up with them. Rated for mild language.
1. Chapter 1

**This is my random ramblings about how annoying and stupid Mary Sue's are, in Hetalia-fanfic style! Sorry for this, I got bored. So here ya go!**

"This is completely not awesome," Prussia proclaimed. "Where the hell are we?"

"Shut up, East," Germany said. All the Axis, Allies, and neutral countries were standing in the middle of a field, with tall trees surrounding them. They had no idea how they'd got there.

"Ve, Germany, this place is weird...." Italy said, stepping closer to the taller blond for protection.

"BOOM YOU ARE PREGNANT!" a voice shouted. They looked up to see a creepy chick in black spy clothes descend from the sky. "I AM MARY!!" she proclaimed. "YOU ARE ALL PREGGERS!" And then she flew away. Everyone was silent for a few minutes.

"What the bloody hell was that?" England finally said. France grabbed his ass, causing England to growl and hit him. "Get off me, bloody frog-face," he ordered.

"And what'd she mean by 'you are pregnant', aru?" China asked, panda sitting on his shoulder as usual.

"I'm going this way!" Prussia proclaimed. "This way is awesome, I think." 'That Way' was simply a random direction he was pointing to in the trees.

"No way, I'm going that way," Romano said, heading in the opposite direction. Spain and Turkey followed him. Germany, Italy, Japan, and Prussia went another way; Russia, the Baltics, and Hong Kong took a right; and China, England, France, Switzerland and Liechtenstein went left.

"Germany, where are we?" Italy asked, practically hanging off the man's arm. Japan was walking at Germany's side, and Prussia was leading the way, Gilbird perched atop his silver hair.

"In a forest full of crazy lunatics," Germany muttered. That weird chick who shouted at everyone earlier was creepy. Not only had she been wearing skin-tight spy clothes, but she had the ability to fly for some reason or another. Her black hair had been pulled back in a ponytail, and her matching black eyes glittered in the sun. And to top it all off, she apparently enjoyed shouting at people that they were all pregnant. "Oi East!" Germany shouted. "Where the hell are we going?"

"You'll see little bro!" Prussia shouted back over his shoulder. "Hey, do you guys hear that?"

"Hear what?" Germany asked. There was a weird slashing sound coming from the undergrowth to their right. Then, a random girl leaped out and onto the pathway with an unnecessary-yet-perfect forward flip.

"I have saved you!" she announced, waving a sword in the air. Her brown hair was littered with twigs and dirt, and she looked like a female version of Robin Hood.

"Er, wonderful," Germany said. "Who're you again?"

"I'm Hunter Raven Amia Clark!" the girl said. "I saved you from absolutely no danger with this random sword that I have for no apparent reason."

"That's nice..." Japan said warily.

"I save everyone!" Immediately after saying that, Hunter Raven Amia Clark burst into tears, falling dramatically onto a fallen log that was conveniently perched on the side of the pathway. "Everyone in my family is dead! I hate my life!" she sobbed, face in her hands.

"Uh...." No one was sure how to respond to that one.

"Would you like a hug?" Italy asked, confused. Hunter Raven Amia Clark instantly stopped crying and looked angry, getting to her feet. Despite the fact that she had been crying, her face wasn't reddened in the slightest.

"No, I do not want a hug!" she said indignantly. "God, I'm a strong girl; just because everyone in my past died, I have no friends, my hometown doesn't exist anymore, and I've attempted suicide more than twice doesn't mean I'm screwed up!"

"Wow, is this chick bipolar?" Prussia muttered.

"I heard that with my incredible supernatural hearing!" Hunter Raven Amia Clark said, pointing her sharp sword at Prussia's face. "I can decapitate you with this! I learned how to use it after I got raped the second time by my uncle." This time, none of the four men even tried to say anything. So Hunter Raven Amia Clark shrugged and smiled at them, lowering the sword.

"I'll see you guys later! I've got to go save some people. Oh, and for short, you can call me Mary." And with that, she began hacking away needlessly at the forest growth again and out of sight, leaving a very confused Germany, Italy, Japan, and Prussia standing in the middle of a forest.

**Mary Sue's in this chapter:  
Random!Sue, who doesn't add anything to the story, disappears and reappears frequently, and is completely useless.  
TragicPast!Sue, who acts strong and perfect, angsts about her tragic past, and freaks out when someone tries to help her.**

**A/N: Yeah, so that's chapter one of Hetalia in Mary-Sue-Land. Next we meet Russia, the Baltics, and Hong Kong, with their little collection of Sue's. Any suggestions of which Sue's should appear next?**

**Reviews and Flamers welcomed!  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Christ almighty, sorry this took so long! I finally got in the right mood tonight at 2:30 AM, so yay! :D **

**DISCLAIMER: I do NOT own Hetalia or Twilight or Buffy The Vampire Slayer! If I did, Hetalia would be a lot more yaoi-ful, and Twilight would have ended...kinda like this here. You'll see when you read! :3  
**

"This is nice, da?" Russia asked. He, Hong Kong, and the three Baltic nations had gone west into a creepy part of the forest. There were tall pine trees everywhere, blocking out pretty much all of the sunlight. Brown pine needles littered the ground, crunching and snapping under their feet. To the other four men, it was anything but nice. Since it was Russia, though, the Baltics hastily agreed. Hong Kong didn't say anything, but walking silently forward, head bent, staring intently at the ground. So, naturally, he was the first one to spot the short girl curled up in a fetal position on the ground.

Latvia saw her next and pulled on Lithuania's sleeve. Lithuania followed Latvia's gaze and nudged Estonia, who hesitantly tapped Russia on the shoulder.

"Yonda? Has little Latvia become scared by another flying squirrel?" Russia asked, turning at Estonia's beckon. A detached-yet-puzzled look appeared on his face when he saw the girl. She whimpered when Russia poked her in the side with his pipe. Lativa crouched down beside her.

"A-are you all right?" he asked. The girl gave another keening mixture of a whimper and a moan.

"Go away!" she shrieked. "My life sucks!"

Latvia blinked, confused. "Why?" But all the girl would do was bawl loudly. Russia poked her in the back again, apparently finding it an intriguing pastime.

"Now what do we do?" Lithuania asked. Estonia shrugged, Latvia stared, and Hong Kong continued to watch the crying girl with an uninterested expression. In the end, Russia made the decision.

"Let's bring it with us, da?" he said. When no one disagreed - who the hell would? - Russia slid his pipe under the girl, lifted her up, and slung the pipe over his shoulder, the girl hanging over the bend in the metal.

"What is its name?" Russia asked.

Another wailing cry came from the girl. "Mary," she sobbed.

"Hey, isn't that the name of that random girl before? You know, back at the clearing?" Estonia asked.

"Yeah, I think that's right," Lithuania said.

"Follow," Russia ordered, and the others hastily obeyed. Russia seemed oblivious to the fact that while the branches and thorny bushes slipped harmlessly past his overly huge coat, they did quite a number on Mary, who was still hanging limply from the pipe. Soon, her arms were covered in scratches. One of the Baltics would've said something, but she was already crying and freaking out as it was. They doubted a small gesture like that would have made much difference.

"Oh wonderful, it's snowing," Estonia said. They were all used to snow, of course, but it wasn't very welcome.

"Snow is made out of the hearts and souls of all those who refuse to become one with Mother Russia," Russia muttered. "And babies," he added as an afterthought. Latvia's eyes got as big as quarters and he ran to hide behind Estonia and Lithuania, who looked pretty scared, themselves.

"That's…an interesting piece of trivia, Russia-san," Estonia ventured. Russia nodded, smiled, and kept pushing his way through the leaves.

"Russia-san, this isn't like the last trip you invited everyone on, is it?" Lithuania asked after a while. "You remember, the one where you said we were all going on some Alien Searching Expedition, then locked half the nations in your house?"

"Nyet, Toris," Russia said. "This is not like that."

"Then where are we going?"

"This way," Russia said simply, and kept walking.

"Do you hear something?" Estonia asked, nudging Lithuania. The brunette looked at him, then to Latvia.

"Hm? Like what?" he asked. Estonia nodded his head at a spot in the bushes, an eyebrow arched. Lithuania glanced through, and was immediately confused. Sitting in a clearing were two people: a girl who looked hungover, and a constipated-seeming boy, who desperately needed to take a shower.

"Oh Bella, you silly female human," the boy laughed. "You can't do anything right, you're always falling and nearly dying, then I have to go and save you. You're lucky you have me to love you, or else nobody would."

Despite the fact that the male had insulted her, Bella smiled and laughed, throwing her arms around him. "Edward, I don't care that you sparkle like a fairy princess," she exulted. "We can be together forever and ever and I can bear your child, who will turn out to be one of the most disturbing things ever and she can marry the pedophile werewolf!"

"No. I'm sorry Bella, but because I'm a bipolar monstrosity, I must leave you," Edward said, unceremoniously dumping Bella on the forest floor. She looked up at him with chocolate eyes that were brimming with tears.

"Edward, no!" she cried, but the boy stepped back into the sunlight. _Holy fuck, it sparkles,_ Lithuania thought, wide-eyed and disturbed by the creepiness taking place before them. Then, Edward vanished with his Super-"Vampire"-Speed. Immediately, Bella curled up into a fetal position and began rocking back and forth, sobbing.

"What is this...?" Estonia whispered, unaware that Russia had stopped walking and was standing behind them, with Hong Kong standing off the the side. The Baltics shared Hong Kong's patented "what the hell?" face. Russia was beginning to look annoyed by the scenario.

"I'll never love anyone again! Edward was my one and only true love, because I'm a seventeen-year-old girl, so of course I know what love feels like!" she screamed through her tears. "I hate everyone! I'm going to spend the rest of my days staring out my window with Cactus, my only friend!"

Then, just when the nations thought it couldn't get any creepier, a shirtless boy with far-too-white teeth burst out of the bushes like a baby being born; it was disturbing that a person could mimic that so accurately with just a bush...

"Bella!" he yelled. "I'm a werewolf! I don't sparkle like a creepy little fairy-bitch, but I turn into a huge pedowolf! Do you love me?"

Bella shoved herself into an upright position, smiling like an ADD child given sugar. "Jacob, of course I love you!" she cried, leaping into his arms. "Now you can be the one to bear my child!"

Once again, Edward smashed through the forest, skin a-sparkle. "No, Bella! Love me! Our child can never be legal and marry the pedowolf! Then we can all prattle on about how utterly perfect she is!"

"No Bella," Jacob argued. "Our kid can be all furry and cute! It'll be like having a dog, but you'll give birth to it!"

Bella looked between the two, her mind visibly reeling between necrophilia and bestiality. Finally, she jumped into Edward's arms.

"Jacob, I swear you can marry our child!" she promised.

Unexpectedly, yet another person entered the scene, this one a tad more familiar. Russia seemed to have grown bored with the terrible scene before them and decided to put an end to it, in the form of beating the three to a bloody pulp with his pipe. Estonia clapped a hand over Latvia's eyes and Lithuania watched, half horrified and half relieved, as the Russian reduced Edward, Jacob, and Bella to a blood smear in the grass. Sometimes during that, Lithuania's shoulder was tapped.

"Give this to him when he's done," a girl whispered, handing Lithuania a piece of paper, then running off again. He glanced at what he had been given while Russia happily beat the three horrible creepy people into oblivion.

_Dear tall guy with pipe,_

_Thank you for killing them for me. The sparkly thing was starting to get on my nerves. Feel free to get the bitchy blond anytime, along with the angsty brother._

_~Buffy_

**Mary Sues We Saw Here: Emo!Sue, who doesn't do anything (literally) except angst about how terrible her life has been. Seriously, I've run into a few of those. It isn't dramatic, just damn annoying.  
Then we have the main cast of _Twilight_, who I didn't even need to create or change much, seeing as they're such Mary Sues by themselves. **

**A/N: Woohoo! Chapter! Yeah, see, if I owned Twilight, it would have ended with Russia pounding everyone with the pipe, or Buffy killing everyone, even Bella. :D Much better ending, don't you think?**


End file.
